Under what circumstances should we all start to be a completely and entirely "FAKE" version of ourselves? When should we start to "fake it till we make it"? When should we start to pretend to be something we're not, in order to get somewhere we want to go? I spend so many of my days just wanting to know the reasons why we are all here. I want to know what point is it that we must remain living in this "HELL" we call life on this horrific place called Earth. I mean there would have to be some kind of point on why we are put into this life with all different paths to live, but what exactly are we living in this sad and miserable life? I would like to think that there has to be some kind of rhyme or reason on why we all make it another day just to become a more "FAKE" and different verions of ourselves. There is a reality that one usually ends up facing in this life, about how each one of us are literally just trying to make it to another day. If you are not rich or famous, then your life is just one trial after another. The things that we have usually endured by the time we get into our late 20s and 30s, is just a masterpiece with how depression and saddness can just grab you up so quickly that it kinda feels like you are just going through the motions of life, but you are not really living. You are just trying to make it to another day, and you end up just trying to be a "FAKE" version of yourself, just to get through the day. Smile pretty and keep your mouth shut.
At the heart of the struggle are two very different ideas of success—survival-driven and soul-driven. For survivalists, success is security, pragmatism, power over others. Success is the absence of material suffering, the nourishing of the soul be damned. It is an odd and ironic thing that most of the material power in our world often resides in the hands of younger souls. Still working in the egoic and material realms, they love the sensations of power and focus most of their energy on accumulation. Older souls tend not to be as materially driven. They have already played the worldly game in previous lives and they search for more subtle shades of meaning in this one—authentication rather than accumulation. They are often ignored by the culture at large, although they really are the truest warriors. They are the ones who have been through the most and have come out ultimately taking a "calmer" and more "simplistic" path, tham the one before. I mean could it mean that they know something that the younger generations don't know? Could it be that there is something to be yet discovered in this minimalistic approach to the final chapters of their life? I can remember when I was younger, I would get different talks from my Mom and from stepfather. Even talks from my Dad and stepmother too, on what to do and not to do because they had once been in my shoes. They lived it and took them same roads to come out in a completely different and yet more difficult life than what would I have lived if I took another way, the way they that their parents or guardians had warned them about when they was my age. It strikes me right into my face when I can now see just exactly what they were trying to tell me. They just wanted what was best for me and all I could think and say then is really how could they know what was best for me? They never lived my life and I am sure it was just one of them "talks" that they give when I was in trouble or when they thought I was not living my life the way they wanted me to live it. It just makes me tear up to think on how many times I can remember the way I did treat my Mom and she did not deserve that. She was the best Mom and honestly I don't know how I could have ever deserved her love and care. Wishing I could back in time is a complete under statement and ultimately I know that that will never happen for me. Life is full of these little mistakes and regrets, but how do you fix it? How can one "deal" with things they have said and/or done to the ones that just did not deserve it?
I have caught myself telling my children these different things that I can say I have lived througfh and would just really hate and to think about them living in the way I do with these tormented feelings and thoughts. It has driven my life into a complete waste of time. I mean that so much that I can literally feel that within in my chest so deeply inside my soul. Yet, they have the same kind of attitudes and reactions as I once did when I was younger. It is a literal deja vu moment when I can watch them same situations play out. But what do I do? I mean I cannot make them open their eyes and see how I am just trying to save them from pain and regret. Not to mention with how I thought I was doing the most unselfish thing for them and their futures, that it turned out to just really hit me even harder once they were grown. I can never really truly make them see life through my eyes just like I will never be able to see it through their eyes. I can only hope that maybe they will come around sooner than I did and I will still be alive and they won't have to live with the regretful pain of knowing how I tried to warned them. My life is filled with so much empty days and nights, that I see how I go through the motions but I do not believe that i am really living. I am just exsisting and in turn disguse myself into this "FAKE" persona of how I should be in this life. Just trying to make it from day to day, without breaking down and throwing in the towel. I do feel like a fraud however, because it will shift my thoughts back into the whys and hows of this life. I have so many unanswered questions and so much unresolved feelings and thoughts that if I allow myself to get too deep into them, that it will consume me and swallow me whole. That rabbit hole is a very strange and maybe not scarey place, but it is a place that the unknowing is not something that I am looking for.
Success has to be in my life, once I am achieving that degree in Web Development and I can get into a career that I will be able to be proud. I can only hope my children and family will be like "Look, she lived her life the way she did, so wasteful and just ultimately being that version of herself that no one could stand but her. But in the end, with all that she still managed to pick herself up and get a bachelors degree and put herself back into a successful career. Through all of that!" I do feel like once I am there that maybe they will know that no matter what this life throws at you, as long as you stay focused and keep looking to the end goal, you can still achieve whatever it is your after. Being whomever and living whatever life that you do live. That "FAKE" version of myself might still live through this process, but in the end I kind of feel like I have to unleash her or I would never make it through this miserable, sad, and depressing life.
ROCK ON YOU FAKERS!!!!